What a week to think about disability.
First I saw the stunningly awful "Removable Parts" with A. and S. The evening was appalling, excruciating, and ultimately (thankfully) fun. But the fun came only at the very end, during dinner, and even then was laced with frustration.
It wasn't fun to make our way through the remote hallways to the locked elevator leading to the impossibly steep ramp into the theater, where no acceptable spaces for wheelchairs awaited, so that S. and A. had to park themselves right in the front of the house, just to one side of the first row, at an uncomfortable position raised about a foot or so above the rest of the seats behind them. And it wasn't fun to watch the two performers--the singer and pianist--respond with discomfort to our stark presence right in front of them, as they performed a series of appalling song-and-dance routines about a psychological or psychiatric disorder resulting in self-mutilation that they persisted in characterizing as something
other than a disability. It certainly wasn't fun to sit furious in the first row during the post-performance talk-back while the four members of cast and crew (all white and able, as far as I could tell) made the distinction between disability (which they viewed as certainly worthy of pity) and BIID, which was worthy of scorn, merely
crazy and
absurd. No acceptable choice, the one between pity and scorn!
And while it was fun to take notes during the performance, in the excellently lit first row, getting many of the most disturbing lines from the performance close to verbatim to their evident discomfort, it was
not fun trying to educate people so profoundly unaware of the multiple ways they were being offensive and cruel.
And no fun at all was the experience I had when the talk-back concluded. The audience had filed out. As A. , S. and I prepared to leave as well, the singer-songwriter-author of this dismal spectacle reached out and touched me on the arm, thanking me. He distinctly did
not do the same to S. and A. It felt like a mark of complicity: you and I, it seemed to suggest, aren't like those two people in wheelchairs. We're both
normal, and on the same side. I felt tainted and offended, for myself and for A. and S. Yet, tell the truth. During the performance in addition to being angry and appalled, I had also felt sympathy for the writer and pianist. I imagined their discomfort with us in the front row. I pitied them during the talkback, as we (even so gently) took issue with their ideas, and pointed out ways in which they should rethink the performance. Those emotions of pity and sympathy mark my liminal position in the whole encounter. Visibly able (though smarting inside at their scorn for those who struggle with psychiatric issues, as I have and do, and angry at their visible discomfort in the presence of my friends) I still experienced a kind of 'ability privilege' akin to white privilege. Simply by being seemingly intact, I earned the performer's sympathetic touch, acknowledging our kinship. A kinship I don't want, and don't feel.
Our dinner was much more fun, even though it didn't start out that way. Here we were at one of the four most accessible restaurants in NYC according to the NY
Times (or could it have been one of the minimally accessible restaurants with the best food?) but the ramp had to be fetched (which took time) and required bracing before S. and A. could maneuver their chairs up it (with some frightening backslides and skids). Our dinner conversation was an uproarious relief as we trashed the performance and talk back, and the food was ample and delicious. But at the end of the meal there was still the difficulty of negotiating the trip to the bathroom next door (the small indignity of having to announce one's need to use the toilet, one of many such smaller and larger indignities) and then the trip up the broken pavement and inadequately curb-cut intersections of the West Village.
Tonight I went with M. and B. to see
The 3:10 to Yuma, and found still more DS issues worth mulling over. The father in the film is a gimp--wounded in the Civil War where he fought for the North--and his missing leg is a plot point throughout the film. Shown first as cause for his son's disdain, then later as the reason he signs up for the impossible mission of bringing the criminal to the train to justice, the loss of his leg is finally invoked to express the incommensurability of disability and restitution. "I was paid the one hundred seventy five dollars and forty two cents not so I would leave the Army, but so
they could leave me." Both men in the movie have been abandoned, in short: the soldier by the army which frags him and then deserts him; the criminal by his mother, who abandons him to a useless Bible. There's something going on here about a non-nurturant State and non-nurturing mothers: how both disable, the former physically and the latter morally. But I can't go farther into that question now: I've been writing about comic books, chronic disease management, and power all day, my legs ache after walking to and fro the Writer's Room, and my eyes are closing.
My wise chicken wonders what this has to do with the book I've promised her. It'll come. It'll come.